Poor English. Terrible accent. Trapped in an arranged marriage. Helpless creature. Sole aim in life to marry and produce babies. Obscure education. Limited interests. Male dominated. In-law dominated. Culture dominated. Religion dominated. DOMINATED.
Meet the stereotype of a typical Pakistani woman married to a British Pakistani and living in the UK. Of course, all stereotypes are somewhat exaggerated, negative and prejudiced. But they come into being because they also have a grain of truth in them.
There are Pakistani women who have come here and embraced this image because they identify with it. In some ways they find it agreeable with their understanding of 'married-woman-appropriate behaviour'- the norms, patterns and rules of married life deeply embedded in their psyche. It has been the way of their mothers and grandmothers. It's safe. It's normal. It's also their shield against the culture shock and the language barrier they face in an alien society. Out of the aeroplane and shuffled straight into an intricate web of Asian domesticity woven by the husband's demands, the in-laws' expectations, the need to prove themselves worthy of the match by excelling at housework, childbirth, babies and so on. The path to security and marital stability, if not bliss, lies in conformity.
I catch glimpses of their lives in GP surgeries, town centers, grocery stores and in parks, as they probably do of me. But I have no idea how to INTERACT with them socially.
Then there are those who challenge the stereotype in varying degrees. They make both the domestic and public arena their own. Whether it's through work, studies, a book club, some community activity- whatever- but like me, they probably find themselves somewhat alone. I understand that to defy norms, will alone is not enough. A supportive husband and some money to spare help a lot. But the point is to at least be aware of and analyse our own preconceived notions about our lives as good, homemaking Pakistani wives. So deeply conditioned are we with these notions that sometimes we don't even know they exist. Other times, when doubt and restlessness about what lies beyond rears its head, we promptly trample it as 'foolish Western ideas' and admonish ourselves to be content with our lot. Looking after our families is noble and desirable. But so is learning, interacting with the wider community and seeking out opportunities for active exchange of knowledge, ideas and beliefs- no matter on what level or in what quantities.
Not surprisingly, this contrast represents the situation back home too. But here in Britain, I feel that it becomes more pronounced as we are pitched against the backdrop of British society that (no doubt with its many vices) strives hard for gender-equality and lifelong learning. But do we actively identify with this 'we'- our collective identity? For I believe, it is a unique identity that if invested into, can unite us, make us reach out to each other, network, find new friends, talk and make the process of settling in a new country easier, more fun and perhaps not so lonely.
This is by no means meant to be judgmental. I know there are many shades in the spectrum, from one extreme to another. I also know that there are numerous factors that influence the choices we make or are sometimes forced to make. This is just a call to other women like me to respond with their experiences, thoughts, insights, objections and problems...to reach out for that something MORE....
Waiting to hear.....
